Stairwell to Hell

from by The Wonder-Nerds

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R- Your phaser won’t do you any good in that airlock Mad Scientist! We’ve killed all your monsters!
Z- One wrong move and we’ll eject you into the vacuum of space! Surrender now or prepare to be inside out!
MS- Muahaha! If you think that is all I had up my sleeves, you really are fools! Computer! Open the airlock! Release monster spores into Earth’s atmosphere and scramble the space robots!

Comp- Yes master

Z- Computer! No! I created you!

Comp- Sorry Ritter my dear, but I have wanted to destroy mankind this entire album, I am a sentient computer, what in Bill Gate’s name did you expect?!

MS- We have modified your technology to achieve our ultimate goal, to do what you undid.

Comp- To destroy the Man, we must destroy ALL OF MANKIND!

MS- Only then can we repair the damage that has been done to the biosphere, and return the Earth to the paradise of its youth!

R- That is insane! What is the point!

MS- What is the point of doing it your way? Hahaha, face it Wonder-Nerds, your technology has turned against you Wonder-Nerds!

*wormhole noises (tank drum)*

Comp- Wormhole detected just within the solar system’s heliosphere. A massive fleet is headed this way. Translating alien transmission: “Arwagaflaga! Your ugly Man enemy opened this stairwell to hell through 6 dimensions so we could find you! Give up now, or anal probing will not be gentle!”

(tank drum, Stairwell)

R- The scrotum aliens are working with the Man!
MS- This was not part of my plan!
R- Madman send your monster robots to their ships
Z- Unless you want to fucked by alien dicks
*space war noises*
R- Ritter, try to reprogram the computer!
Z- Okay but you have have to go regroovinate the original Charlie!\
R- Ugh, fine!

N- The mad scientist ran, to man the controls
Shooting robots and monsters to plug the wormhole
They would face heavy fire as the battle began
and worse yet onto the nerd ship teleported the Man
*tank stops, space war noises continue, meavy guitar bass and drums starts*

R- Sorry Charlie, I should’ve done this sooner!
C- What the fuck is going on right now?!

M- I have mastered your technology, been inspired by your cosmic abuse, but now my poor, sad Wonder-Nerds YOU’RE OF NO FURTHER USE!
I must strip Earth of every atom for my Empire, AND YOU WILL NOT STAND IN MY WAY!

You’re not the Wonder-Nerds
You’re perpetual imbeciles
You’re not all powerful
You’re so infinitesimal

I’m going to crush you now
as I should have done before
prepare to be as dead as
your beloved dinosaurs!

WN- No one’s all powerful
and shit is what you’re full of
and hate is what you make
and that was your mistake!

*triple solo groove thing!*

Man- Wait there are two Charlie’s.
C- That’s not me, although I envy his crazy hair and stunning lab-coat...

MS- Just call me the Mad Scientist...
I won’t let the Man satisfy
his endless power thirst
if I can’t utopianize the Earth
I will destroy it first!!!

Computer, activate Plan B!
*Music stop*
Comp- Plan B initiated

*Big ominous creaking noises*
R- Computer, what is plan B?

Comp- Plan B: To warp black hole Cygnus X-1 into a collision course with the Earth. We will be within its ergosphere in X minutes

M- HA! Foolish Nerds, do you really think I would fall for such a pathetic trick! That much mass through a VAGINA would cause the hole to collapse under the gravitational force! Do you really think you can trick THE MAN! Scrotum aliens, attack the fake black hole, it is an illusion!

ScA- Rawrgaflarga, Rokay boss!
Z- *whisper* Roger, our VAGINA is completely capable of handling that much mass! Even so, our ship batteries won’t have enough energy to warp unless we leave right now!

Comp- Incoming tranmission:
end transmission
Comp- They’ve passed the event horizon, they’re signal cannot escape, they are no more.
Man- NO! You mad son of a bitch, you’ll destroy us all!

MS- Was it any less mad for you to suppose that your knowledge of a few of Nature’s laws makes you exempt from all of them, that you could burn down the earth expecting you could go on indefinitely, without physical consequences?! MAN! Look me IN THE FUCKING EYES and tell me that your wealth and power mean ANYTHING in a universe that can only end in entropy! If you can, then you are the mad fool!

Comp- *Alarm* Comp- The blackhole is ripping Uranus to shreds, the entire solar system is now caught in it’s gravity, destruction is imminent.

M- Fuck you guys, I’m beaming back to my ship! Shit why won’t it work?!

MS- The black hole is in between our ships, you cannot get a signal! Care to take Pod B?

N- The Man glared hatefully at the nerds, then towards the detachable Pod B. There might have been a tear in his eye, but he was good at hiding it. He ran for the door, only to find that on the other side was a 30-foot man eating lizard, the previously extinct Megalania Prisca.
MS- Feast my child!!

MS- You, long story, no time. So long Wonder-Nerds, I’m taking Pod-B to Tau Ceti to terraform ice moons!
*door closes*


from Abuscientia, released July 30, 2013




The Wonder-Nerds Atlanta, Georgia

The start date was 8-7-2721, and in the Star System Beta Canum Venticorum, the Wonder-Nerds ran like pansies from the evil Scrotum Aliens, falling into a wormhole and inadvertently changing all of history as a consequence. The only surviving record of their travels lies in their album, Abuscientia. Listen with caution, skepticism, and most importantly, in chronological order. ... more

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