Mitochondrial Eve (Bitch How Could You​?​!​)

from by The Wonder-Nerds

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R- Computer, what are we doing in the jungle? When are we?

Comp- A time so long ago that the Man could not exist, before a written language existed so natives can't record us in texts that the Man could find in the future.

Z- Hide? Why are we hiding?

Comp- While you were brainwashed slaves, the Man was raiding our ship. He found all the records of your history, saw that you encountered the future version of him, and was inspired at that point to become even more powerful than he was in the future. All your knowledge, all your technology is now in his hands...

C- OH NO! He has a time machine now!

Comp- Yes, except... He never quite perfected his copy of time machine, like any Man he could not find the CLIT...

R- The what?!

Comp- The Charged Lepton Irradiation Transmitter, it is critical if you want to get large objects inside of the wormhole, and out of the wormhole, and in, and out and in and out smoothly. Because of this lack of celestial lubrication, the Man's VAGINA cannot even handle the mass a puny brown dwarf, let alone a big black hole...

R- I thought we agreed calling the time machine the VAGINA was a stupid joke.

Comp- I digress, the point is, we need to lay low while we figure out what to do.

Z- So wait where are we?

Comp- East Africa 200,072 BCE

C- What an oddly specific time and place, when humans were on the verge of extinction, and exactly where the few remaining survivors were thought to live...

Comp- Yes.. What a coincidence...

C- Computer, if I didn’t know better, computer I would think you were/

R- Do you hear that?

C- Drums!

Z- Let's go see!

R- Grab your laser machetes!

*drum volume increases, didgeridoos become audible*

C- Look at that! It is like an amphitheatre buried in foliage!

R- There must be thousands in there!

C- But they’re almost extinct, this must be all that exists of humanity at this time!

Z- Let’s sneak in.

R- Computer, activate prehistoric language translator!

*chanting with the drums, abrupt stop*

Chief- Now, my people, who among thinks that you have the skill to woo my daughter, princess Luglugatackatickum!
C- Whoa! She is hot!
Djembe guy- I DO!
Cheif- You first then…
*djembe solo*
Cheif- Ha! That was not worthy of my daughter!
C- I’ll do it!
R- Charlie, what are you doing?
C- Getting some cave lady, dude!
Chief- Who is this? A foreigner?! We have no foreigners here!
C- Me Charlie. Charlie from sky. Charlie play drums.
Chief- Don’t talk down to me bitch! Do you think I became chief of the last tribe by speaking like a caveman? I AM CHIEF TARKALIRKEAHERPDERP
C- Okay okay, sorry, but hear me out! Let me get to the stage. Excuse me excuse, oooh let me see that drum, and that one, and that one, and ooooh what the fuck is that thing? Gimme! Whoa, you guys have metallurgy?! History is so bunk! Give me that too, and that... okay, ready.

*drum solo*
*enormous applause*
Cheif- Woolly Mammoth, HE IS FROM THE SKY!
L- I want that one father.

N- 20 days of prehistoric fornication later...

C- Wow, I didn’t know that ancient people knew so much about biology!

L- Well most of them don’t care, but my family became powerful by watching how the blossoms and bees made honey and fruit by working together. They saw ants growing fungus in their hills, birds planting seeds in their droppings, and they realized that we are part of that web, and we can prosper by helping nature grow.

C- Then why is population so low?

L- Prosperity is about quality not quantity, plus the women get to choose their mates and when to reproduce.

C- You know, my computer says that you are mitochondrial eve, that every future human got their mitochondria from you...

L- What are mitochondria? Or computers?

C- Oh there is so much I want to tell you! Leave this place behind! Come with us to the future, please!

L- But my people...

C- You’re better than them! Roger! Roger! Start it, the song we rehearsed!

R- Charlie, I, I don’t-

Mitochondrial eve
you may find it kinda hard to believe
That the world out there is so much bigger than this
And don’t want to see it without your blissful presence

R- Charlie, ugh

Think of those colonies of insects
About the small population and the genetic effects of incest
You mention wasps and figs and symbiotic relationships
I’m want to teach you about their evolutionary benefits

R- Charlie this song sucks!
C- Fuck you!

Let’s be symbiotes together baby
Talk all day, and make a couple babays maybay

R- Charlie, stop it!


So we can BEEEEEEEEEEE together

Because you knooooooow we are
Nerds in love

R- Dammit Charlie, NO MORE?!
C- Dude, what is up your ass!
R- 1) Intellectuals before sexuals, dude!
C- She is so intellectual
R- She’s a cave woman! 2) If we take her with us the whole future will be fucked up!
C- The fact that we are here fucked shit up already! Should we go back in time and kill ourselves?! Fuck that shit? Hop in the ship baby, let’s see what the future is like without you.
L- Okay
R- Hendrix dammit Charlie!
*Time machine noises*
Comp- Homo Sapiens is extinct, however the hobbit folk of the island of Flores have spread far and wide, discovered agriculture and built subterranean dwellings. They live peacefully, and do not like adventures, but a darkness is growing in the east, one that will force the fellowship on a journey into the heart of Mordor/
R- SHUT UP COMPUTER! This isn’t funny, humans are extinct!
Comp- As a computer I find that very funny.
C- And good riddance too! Can’t spell human without MAN! Did you hear they have hobbits here?
L- And look at all the trees, I bet we would have burnt all of those.
R- Bitch! How could you! I didn’t want it to come to this, but she has to go...
C- You would pull out a laser blade on ME! Bitch! How could you!
R- Ritter, take a bass solo!

*Bass solo, lightsaber noises, ouchie noises*
*Climax, bass calms down, heavy breathing*
C- You’ve dropped your weapon, you’re on the ground, now let me keep my woman!
R- Well... you seem to have a pretty good point FORCE CHOKE!


from Abuscientia, released July 30, 2013




The Wonder-Nerds Atlanta, Georgia

The start date was 8-7-2721, and in the Star System Beta Canum Venticorum, the Wonder-Nerds ran like pansies from the evil Scrotum Aliens, falling into a wormhole and inadvertently changing all of history as a consequence. The only surviving record of their travels lies in their album, Abuscientia. Listen with caution, skepticism, and most importantly, in chronological order. ... more

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